Copper Taste in My Mouth
(*Note: This is an example college essay. Neither the date published nor the specific publisher were mentioned)
This reflective essay was taken from a website called teenink.com where teens can write articles and submit them for others to read. "Copper Taste in my Mouth" is a college essay that someone submitted and was voted #1 by readers. Personally, I have a hard time agreeing with this rating.
The piece begins with short, choppy sentences. "It’s a story. Not a simple one. Not an attractive one. But, it’s my story. I think I should tell it." Yes, this is eye-catching and dramatic, however, I can't help but think it sounds a little cliche. This melodramatic syntax is hard to take seriously and therefore distracts from the effectiveness of the piece.
The reader is set up for a thrilling tale full of twists and intrigue after this opening but are never satisfied. A short story about watching a car accident and tasting copper (which was never explained) did not match the high expectations. Although the imagery was clear, I believe that there could have been much more emotion added into a story about witnessing a tragic event.
The essay ends without effectively wrapping up. With the cliche-feeling of the piece, I felt as though there should have been at least a moral in the conclusion; something about selflessness or driving safety. However, we are just left with a meaningless pun: "Life is what you make of it, even if it’s hard to swallow."
This essay may work for college admissions officers because it is unique and contains humor. But, with its childish techniques and underdeveloped story, it would never pass for an AP essay.
Pass.
ReplyDeleteGood job, Sarah. I thought this a really we thought out piece and that you presented your in opinion in a nice concise manner. You seem to have hit all the requirements, nice work.
Pass!
ReplyDeleteGreat analysis and organization.